


Isak the Vampire Slayer

by Ye_Olde_Hedgehog



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 14:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18012818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ye_Olde_Hedgehog/pseuds/Ye_Olde_Hedgehog
Summary: Yes, it's a Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU of sorts - but for some reason the Slayer is male this time around. Isak is confused. The vampires are confused. And yes, the author is confused as fuck. But fear not, with Eskild as his Watcher, and with a freakishly pretty boy helping out during midnight patrols, this will all turn out fine. Probably. Well... possibly. Although where the hell did Dracula just come from?No angst. No smut. The only warnings? Too many ellipses and the author failing to be funny.





	Isak the Vampire Slayer

**Author's Note:**

> So. I have some thank yous to say:
> 
> First of all to Julia for arranging this thing and make me fall back in love with writing after all these years. (Okay, no, that’s a lie. I still hate the actual writing part. I love the having written part, though.)
> 
> Then we have skamskada, who was the first one to read this in all its clunky glory and basically ordering me to declunk it. Without her, this would be a very different fic and you all owe her flowers and chocolate. And probably a gofundme for future therapy bills.
> 
> Also a huge thank you to thegirlnooneknows5 who beta read this and spent ages wrangle my stochastic comma usage into order. (I think we both have nightmares about the “insert comma here” comments. Sorry about that.)
> 
> I should probably also make a shout out to Skam English on dailymotion - their translated videos have been a great help when I’ve been looking for certain scenes to butcher…
> 
> And then, last (but very much not least), koedder-du, the brilliant artist who made this whole experience very, very enjoyable. The poster she made for the fic sums it up perfectly and I love it very much a lot. I couldn’t have asked for a better artist and I’m so happy she chose to work with me.

       

****

 (Poster by the lovely [koedder-du](https://koedder-du.tumblr.com) - go show her some love!!)

 

**_Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer._ **

**_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ **

 

“But… aren’t you… I mean, shouldn’t you be… like… like… a...”

The vampire’s protest was cut short by a hard kick to his chest.

“ _That’s_ what’s bothering you right now? Really? Not the fact that I’m trying to stake you, but the fact that I’m a _guy?”_ The boy circling the vampire sounded more than a little annoyed by this casual attitude to imminent death.

“Well… I mean… it _is_ traditional,” the vampire sulked.

“Fine. Okay. Let’s just postpone this until the next _female_ Slayer comes along, shall we? Wouldn’t want to be _untraditional_ about this, right?”

Apparently sarcasm wasn’t considered a vital survival trait among the undead because the vampire’s expression cleared at this.

“We can do that?” he asked, voice tinged with relief. “Because that would really…”

There was a swift leg sweep, a flurry of movement, and then a small cloud of dust settled over the rain-wet ground of Gamlebyen Gravlund. Isak got up from his crouching position, dragged a hand through his hair and looked around for the baseball cap he’d dropped during the scuffle.

“Jeez, these bloodsuckers just keep getting more and more annoying,” he complained out loud, not really expecting an answer. Oslo cemeteries? Not known for their huge attendance at one o’clock in the morning.

”Bad night, huh?”

Isak spun around at the unexpected input, squinting cautiously into the dim light. Leaning against a tree a few metres away and watching Isak with amused interest was a boy around his own age. Isak blinked. And blinked again. But no. Still a boy. Still leaning. Still watching. And still very prett... Isak shook his head in an effort to halt _that_ thought. Tall, pale, beautiful in a James Dean daydream kind of way _and_ hanging around a graveyard after midnight? Yeah, Isak could easily guess what this guy’s deal was, and it definitely wasn’t to hit on the occasional Slayer stopping by.

”Grindr hookup gone wrong,” he shrugged, shuffling his feet into a defensive stance and tightening the grip on his stake.

The stranger smiled widely at this, his eyes disappearing into small, happy crinkles, his mouth open just enough for two sparkling white - and quite impressively pointy - canines to appear.

“Tough,” he sympathised before tilting his head a little to the right, observing Isak. “By the way, you have a bit of… you have some… um… dust…?” he continued, waving vaguely at Isak’s face.

“Yeah, that happens. A lot,” Isak agreed, using the sleeve of his jacket to wipe away the sprinkle of vampire still clinging to his cheek.

With that subject thoroughly exhausted there was a few seconds of mutual fidgeting, averted eyes and awkward silence before the stranger spoke again.

“Awesome conversation,” he tried to joke. Isak simply stared at him, face expressionless, until the stranger caved, raised his eyebrows, and plucked what seemed to be an expertly rolled joint from behind his right ear. “Join me?” he asked before making his way over to a battered bench across the gravel path.

Isak gaped after him, trying to process the fact that a vampire was... apparently inviting him to share his weed? He might be fairly new to this whole slaying gig, but he was pretty sure this was not normal vampiric behaviour. Relaxing his hold on the stake he hesitantly followed to where the other boy had climbed onto the bench backrest, large feet firmly planted on the seat. The boy’s crinkly smile reappeared - along with the canines - as he offered Isak the now lit joint.

“So, have you been on grindr long?” he asked while Isak made himself comfortable next to him.

“I… what?” Isak’s mind did a metaphoric somersault in its attempt to catch up with the conversation.

“It didn’t look like this was your first hookup gone wrong, so... just wondering how long you’ve been on grindr?”

Isak took a drag before handing the joint back.

“Oh. Yeah, no, I’ve… been on grindr for about four months now?”

The other boy looked down, nodding thoughtfully.

“And do you enjoy it?”

“Sorry, we’re not talking about actual grindr right now, are we,” Isak asked, in severe need of clarification. And also - if possible - a spot of sanity.

“Well, I know _I’m_ not. What about you, Isak?” The other boy nudged Isak with his shoulder and Isak began shaking his head before catching up with what had just been said.

“Wait, you know my name? How do you know my name? _Why_ do you know my name?”

Blue eyes filled with amused fondness glittered down at him.

”Oh but Isak, what is in a name? A rose by any other name…”

Isak quickly cut off what could have turned into a long - and, quite frankly, boring - Shakespearean soliloquy.

“But… I’m pretty sure we haven’t met? I mean I would definitely have remembered the…” Isak gestured in the general vicinity of the boy as he looked him up and down,”...hair?” he finally decided on.

“Wow, really? I saw you the first day of school and now I find out you haven’t even noticed me until tonight? I’m wounded, Isak. Wounded.” The stranger managed to look hurt for a few seconds before the annoyingly attractive smile was back. Isak tried a quick head shake to clear his thoughts. _Really, Valtersen, get it together. Vampires? Biiiiig no-no! Also_...

“Wait, you go to Nissen?” he asked in surprise. He wouldn’t have thought Nissen big enough for him to miss... well, someone looking like _that._

“Yeah. 3STB.”

Isak gave a small nod in acknowledgement, racking his brain for anything to add.

“But… you didn’t go there last year?” he finally managed.

The other boy shook his head and took another hit before handing the joint back to Isak, smoke escaping his mouth as he replied, “No. Bakka.”

Isak nodded again. Bakka. Of course. So tall, blond, beautiful and _pretentious_ then. How very... vampiric.

 

*****

 

Their tentative interaction was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a slim, dark-haired girl, and Isak sighed in resignation. _Of all the cemeteries in Oslo, this_ _one_ _had to be the most popular? Really?_

“Hi!” the girl said brightly, wetting her lips and giving Isak a doe-eyed look. Isak nodded in unenthusiastic acknowledgement before turning back to the boy beside him, but the girl wasn’t that easily deterred. “My name is Emma, what’s yours?”

Isak sighed again and accepted that he would not get to continue his previous - and undeniably much more interesting - conversation until he got rid of this girl one way or another. He returned the joint to the boy and slipped the stake back into his right hand before turning to fully face her.

“Isak,” he replied, discouragement evident in each syllable.

“Isak? You’re very pretty. I think we could have a…” her dark eyes did a slow sweep down Isak’s body before returning to his face, her front teeth biting into her lower lip, “...very nice time together.”

The eyeroll was almost impossible to hold back, but Isak managed it. Barely.

“But I’m already having a very nice time with…” _Shit. The guy was bound to have a name, wasn’t he? Too bad Isak had no idea what it was_. “...umm… with…”

“Even,” the other boy cut in, leaning over towards Emma and holding out his hand. Emma gave it a cursory shake, not once taking her eyes off Isak.

“Oh, I’m sure I could show you a much nicer time if you’d just let me,” she promised, her tongue sweeping invitingly over a remarkably white fang, eyelids lowered in what Isak guessed was supposed to be a seductive look. This time, he _did_ roll his eyes, though. There was only so much a Slayer could take before losing her... well, his… will to live. Or will to let live.

“Thanks, but not tonight.” The ‘or any other night’ was heavily implied.

“But I’m _starving!_ ” she screeched angrily, the sweet little girl act coming to an abrupt end as she changed into game face and attacked. Despite expecting it, the momentum of the attack made Isak stumble backwards and drop his stake. Annoyed with his own carelessness, he muttered a long, expressive curse beneath his breath as he crouched down and felt around on the ground. No stake. He looked away from the vampire for a split second, eyes doing a quick sweep of the ground. Still no stake. _Fuck!_ Returning his attention to the vampire, he was greeted with a hard blow to the jaw that made him stumble backwards. _Damn, she was fast when she wanted to be._ Isak managed to stave off the rest of her punches, but was sent flying by a surprise roundhouse kick to his left side. Dragging himself back to his feet, he sent a silent apology to the person whose headstone he’d just crashed into. Also, _oww!_ Slayer healing? Definitely a nice perk to the job, but injuries still hurt like hell on impact, thank you very much.

The vampire was leering at him now, dead certain of her victory.

“Mmm, I’ve always wondered what Slayer blood would taste like. Well, I guess I’m about to find out,” she taunted, fangs on display as she moved in for the kill.

Trying to ignore his throbbing ribs, Isak looked around for something he could use as an improvised weapon. Nothing. _Fuck!!_ Unarmed combat with a vampire? This would probably not end well.

“Isak? Here!”

Even’s voice was followed by something small and pointy being thrown at him. Catching the stake, Isak quickly twirled and plunged it straight into the attacking vampire’s heart, and for the second time that night there was a small cloud of dust depositing vampire remains onto the wet ground. Isak spent a few seconds bent over, panting in relief, before turning back to Even to thank him - but to his surprise the bench was now empty, save for a piece of paper held in place by a handful of pebbles. Stretching his sore left side, Isak walked the few steps over and collected the paper, which turned out to be a very basic drawing of what Isak guessed was supposed to be him fighting the vampire. It also had _Winter is coming, Isak_ and _Tryvann_ jotted down in block letters. Isak closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course he would find a pretentious Game of Thrones loving vampire from Bakka attractive. Of fucking course. Eskild was going to laugh his arse off over this one.

With his left hand putting pressure on his bruised ribs, Isak limped towards the nearest bus stop, very appreciative of graveyards situated on 24 hour bus routes.

 

*****

 

Isak closed the door to Kollektivet and checked his phone. 02.30. Right.

“Eskild,” he yelled, not caring if his annoying flatmate was asleep. Not that Eskild ever went to bed until Isak returned from patrol, but hey, hope springs eternal. “Eskild, can you for fuck’s sake get the word out to your undead friends that the Slayer isn’t a girl this time around, pretty please with a shitload of sugar on top?” He halted and thought for a moment. “Also, if you could mention that I’m gay, that would be good too. Because if I have to live through another awkward seduction scene by a vampire who thinks she's God’s gift to men, I _will_ resign.”

“Linn, Baby Jesus is home in case you missed him throwing a loud tantrum in the hallway,” came Eskild’s cheerful voice from somewhere in the flat. Isak huffed, kicked off his trainers and went in search of his flatmate.

“Rough night?” Eskild asked, putting his teacup down and examining Isak’s stiff posture when he entered the kitchen.

“Well, there are two vampires less than yesterday, but one of them packed a pretty good punch,” Isak replied with a slight shrug, wincing when the movement disturbed his injured ribs. Eskild tutted disapprovingly and went to fetch the first aid kit from its readily accessible spot on the shelf above the kitchen table.

“Clothes off, Isak. Time for one of the very few benefits of this job.”

“Being a Watcher doesn’t mean you’re supposed to ogle your Slayer, you know that, right? You’re just supposed to… you know, watch,” Isak grumbled as he tried to get out of his t-shirt with as little pain as possible.

“Don’t be so conservative, Isak, I can multitask.” Eskild grabbed a bandage and started to wrap it around Isak’s torso before suddenly stopping and sniffing the air. “Is that... is that weed I’m smelling? Have you been smoking on the job? Jesus Christ, Isak, whose stupid arse idea was that? If it was Jonas’s, I’m so going to kill him. And you. Unless a vampire beats me to it because you’re _high as a fucking kite while out on patrol_.”

“‘m not high, I only took a couple of hits,” Isak pouted. “And it wasn’t Jonas, it was this guy from school. He kinda just turned up, and then he asked me to smoke with him, and...well, free weed, yay…” Isak made a half hearted attempt at jazz hands, which Eskild pointedly ignored.

“What guy from school? And turned up where?”

“I don’t fucking know, haven’t seen him before. But he kinda saved my life a little tonight, which, you know… good, right?” Eskild indicated that yes, that was good. And also to go on with the story. “Anyway, I’m sure you’d like him, he’s just your type. Tall, blond and annoyingly handsome. In a very vampiric way.”

“Vampiric way?” Eskild stared at him for a long moment, trying to wrap his mind around what he’d just heard. “You got high _with a vampire?_  What the fuck, Isak?” He grabbed his phone off the table and started tapping at the screen.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, silently agreeing that smoking with a vampire might not have been his best decision, but… well, there had been extenuating circumstances? Like, the vampire’d had kind eyes. And a nice smile. And… well, he’d been really pretty, okay?!

“I’m googling self preservation because someone at this table seems to need an accurate definition of the word.”

“I know what self preservation means,” Isak sulked. “Also, remember the part of him saving my life a little? And he made me a drawing.”

“Fine, who cares if he’s a bloodsucking demon if he made you a _drawing,_ ” Eskild replied at his most sarcastic.

“I’m just saying he seemed rather helpful,” Isak mumbled with a dark glare at his Watcher.

“Now that’s just the free weed talking,” Eskild said, but he did seem a bit calmer when he went back to dressing Isak’s chest. “Let’s see this drawing Mr Wonderful made you then.”

Isak pulled the folded A4 from his back pocket and handed it to Eskild, who fastened the bandage before unfolding the paper and examining it critically.

“He’s not too bad,” Eskild conceded. “Caught your features pretty well. Not sure about the meteorological part, though. ‘Winter is coming’? It’s October, we’re in Oslo, of course winter is coming. And ‘Tryvann’? Is he taking you on a ski trip? Is this the vampire version of passing notes in class?”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” Isak muttered. “Anyway, I thought it could be important. Could be a warning or something.”

“Mm. Or a reminder to dress warm,” Eskild suggested, sniggering at Isak’s grumpy expression. “Fine, I’ll just put my best woman on it then,” he continued as Linn padded into the kitchen.

“You two need to learn to use your indoor voices,” she grumbled, snatching the drawing from Eskild’s hand. “I’ll look at this tomorrow, going back to bed now. ‘m exhausted.”

Isak and Eskild grinned at each other as Linn shuffled back out of the kitchen again.

“Nice hanging with you, Linn,” Eskild called after her, only to receive a raised middle finger in return. “She does have a point though,” he said, turning to Isak. “Bed sounds pretty good right about now.”

A quick glance at the clock showed that it was a little before three, so Isak tried to stretch a bit and found that the bandage was firmly fastened and helped with the remaining pain. With a quick goodnight to Eskild, he toddled off to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

 

*****

 

Isak tried to keep up with the wild hookup story Magnus was embellishing shamelessly, but too little sleep and an aversion to too much information on what was going on in Magnus’s mind had him zoning out, choosing to watch some students walk between the different school buildings instead. Not looking for anyone in particular, of course, just… looking. Observing, really. As a good Slayer should. Also…

“The _fuck_ is that?” he said loudly, startling Magnus enough that he almost fell off the backrest he and Isak were perched on.

“What??” Magnus asked with a reproachful glare.

“ _That!”_  Isak repeated, nodding at the schoolyard entrance where five guys were slowly swaggering their way towards the A building.

“Ah. _That._  That would be The Vampyres, this year’s top candidates for most pretentious russ bus.” There was no mistaking the distaste in Jonas’s voice.

“Are they really wearing… waistcoats… and _cloaks_?” Isak held out hope that he was imagining things.

“Yep. Both lined with blood red satin. Because anything else would be tacky.”

“True. And there’s nothing worse than a tacky vampire costume,” Isak agreed, unimpressed. He was about to expand on this, but...

“Hi, Isak.” All four boys looked up at the newcomer, who fidgeted and bounced nervously on the balls of his feet under the scrutiny. “You lost this yesterday.”

Isak managed to catch the baseball cap thrown at him, but kept staring at Even, unable to think of anything to say.

“It’s yours, right?” Even tried, angling for a response.

“It’s mine, really,” Jonas interrupted. “Hi. Jonas,” he introduced himself.

“Even.” They exchanged a quick handshake.

“Mahdi.” Another quick handshake. “Lost it where?”

Isak ignored Magnus’s somewhat starstruck introduction in order to try and think of a good explanation that didn’t include graveyards after midnight. He might have come out as gay the year before, but… coming out as a mythical being? Hard pass on _that_ , thanks. Jonas knew, that was enough. More than enough, if you asked Eskild. _“What part of ‘being the Slayer is a secret’ didn’t you understand, Isak?”_ Yeah, that had been a fun conversation.

“In the cafeteria,” Even said smoothly and Isak dared to breathe again. “Anyway, just wanted to remind you about Tryvann, Isak. The White Walkers are already on the move.”

With that Even simply turned and walked away, leaving the four boys to gape after him.

“Who was that guy,” Jonas asked the second Even was out of earshot.

“Him? He’s just…” a very hot vampire with a stash of excellent weed? Yeah, maybe not the best explanation. “He…”

“You know Even Bech Næsheim?” Magnus somehow managed to shout the question while maintaining a starstruck whisper. “You know Even Bech Næsheim and not _once_ have you thought of telling us this. Or introducing us. What the _fuck_ , Isak?”

To Isak’s surprise, Mahdi was nodding along with Magnus’s indignation, so he looked at Jonas, who seemed just as clueless as he was.

“Okay, first of all, I don’t know Even, last night was the first time I even talked to him. And second of all…”

“Last night? But…” Magnus was getting even more excited. “But he said you lost the cap in the cafeteria? What were you doing in the cafeteria with Even Bech Næsheim at _night?_ Were you filming a video? Can I be in it? Please, Isak, I will never ask you for anything ever again, just… let me be in the video?”

Isak and Jonas exchanged another look.

“Umm… what video…?” Isak asked carefully.

“So you weren’t filming a video,” Magnus realised, deflating, but he immediately bounced back. “Nevermind, you can still be my wingman, only you’ll hook me up with an EBN video instead of with a hot chick.”

“Mags, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Isak actually managed to sound _almost_ as exasperated as he felt. Magnus gave him an incredulous look.

“Even Bech Næsheim. He’s one of Norway’s biggest youtubers right now, he’s got like a million subscribers. He does these Buzzfeed Unsolved rip offs, like… last week he did this video on vampires at Nissen. It was hilarious, man. Absolute genius.”

“Vampires? At Nissen?”

“Yeah, I guess he got the idea from the guys we saw earlier, those Vampyre guys? Only he treated it like they were real vampires doing a russ bus? I almost peed myself laughing, it was so funny!”

“Oh, and also that video last month where he was talking about how our KB is haunted? Not going for coffee after dark again, is all I’m saying,” Mahdi joined in, almost as enthusiastic as Magnus - who was nodding his agreement on avoiding their regular hangout during the dark hours. Which, with it being winter in Oslo, was basically fucking always. Isak rolled his eyes and was about to point that out when Magnus returned to his previous subject.

“I wish the girls would do a vampire russ bus,” he said wistfully. “Can you imagine Vilde dressed as a vampire? Not like one of those boring Twilight vampires, but… I mean, like Selene from Underworld? You know, with the whole dominatrix vibe going on?”

Isak winced at the thought, wondering what kind of media consumption gave Magnus these kind of ideas and if perhaps it was time for a group intervention. Also, the moment Magnus started mentioning whips was when Isak decided that it was a good day to be early for his Norwegian class, because some mental images? Bound to leave scars.

 

*****

 

That afternoon, Isak returned home to a flat filled with girls. Fine, so technically there were only five of them haphazardly strewn across the floor and furniture of Kollektivet’s living room, but their intense argument about… something, made it seem like there were a lot more. After exchanging a small nod with Sana, Isak strategically relocated to the kitchen for a snack.

“What’s with the…” Isak said, waving towards the door when Eskild looked up from his mobile.

“Bus meet,” he replied with a shrug. “Apparently Eva’s mum is home and has just seen some of Eva’s grades, so… let’s just say they need a bit of time apart. Vilde’s mum is having a wine party, Sana’s brother has his friends over to record some kind of video or something, and Chris’s parents are still angry about the vase Eva dropped last time she was there, so she’s persona non grata at the Berg residence for the foreseeable future.” Eskild spread his hands, “Thus, Kollektivet to the rescue.”

“They couldn’t have it at William’s?” Isak grumbled. “Noora’s staying there more often than not, anyway.”

“Aww, kitten, is that jealousy I detect? Do you miss Noora living with us?” Eskild reached out and dragged a resisting Isak into a cuddle. “But you know, sometimes when a boy person and a girl person… well, or a boy person and a boy person or a girl person and a girl person… or none of the above for that matter… anyway, when two people of undisclosed gender love each other very much they tend to want to show that love in a way that is very inappropriate for the couch in our beloved Kollektivet. And Noora still loves us and comes and stays on our couch in an appropriate manner whenever her and Voldemo… William have a fight.”

Isak struggled his way out of the hug and glared at Eskild.

“That couch has seen more action than my fucking bed and on none of those occasions has Noora been involved,” he grumbled with the resigned expression of a boy who’s walked in on too many guy on guy blowjobs in his short life. Eskild simply ignored the implications, choosing instead to smile at Linn who’d just entered the kitchen.

“Find anything interesting?” he asked, shoving the tub of butter towards her as she sat down.

“There’s nothing on either Tryvann or winter in the books,” she replied, head bent, fully focused on buttering her rye bread. “Well, actually there is a _lot_ about winter, but mostly it comes down to ‘cold, cold, snow, more snow, fuck it’s cold’, so… pretty useless information on the whole.”

“Even said something about white walkers or something,” Isak suddenly remembered. “And he mentioned Tryvann again.”

“Who’s Even?” Eskild asked, before catching on. “Oh yes, tall, blond and vampiric. We’re not finished talking about that, by the way. Anyway, white walkers. Linn?”

Linn raised her hands in a fuck-if-I-know gesture.

“No idea but I’ll hit the books again after I’ve finished eating.”

Eskild nodded and the three of them quietly munched their way through their supper, the silence occasionally interrupted by giggles mixed with arguments from the living room.

“Yeah, but maybe just think of it a bit like a sect? Once you’re in, you can’t get out,” they heard Chris insist, really getting into whatever the current topic of discussion was. “And it all ends in a collective social suicide in a hookup ring at Tryvann on the seventeenth of May.”

The three people in the kitchen stared at each other, eyes wide, mouths slightly gaping. Isak was the first to speak.

“Right, so... I think I might know where we can find some of that information we’re looking for,” he said with an eye roll, digging out his mobile and opening the youtube app. Fuck all vampires and fuck their affinity for cryptic clues. Really. Fuck them.

 

*****

 

“Tryvann? And fucking _White_ _Walkers_? You suck at clues.”

Isak had ambushed Even after PE and was now standing in front of him in the locker room, glaring disapprovingly. Unfortunately this didn’t seem to have the desired effect since Even only leaned his right shoulder more comfortably against the wall and grinned down at him, apparently one hundred percent happy to be disapproved of.

“Hey, it was a relevant reference. I mean, White Walkers are basically vampires anyway. Well, apart from the whole no blood sucking thing, which… fine, is kind of essential to vampires, so, maybe not very vampire-y. But... it made sense at the time?”

“Not everyone watches Netflix religiously, okay? Next time, just use a FIFA reference or something.”

“Game of Thrones is on HBO,” Even objected, mock disappointment in his voice. “And how do you expect me to make vampire references through FIFA anyway? ‘Griezmann’s looking a bit anemic lately, Isak, you should look into that’?”

Isak looked down at his feet, shaking his head as he tried to hide a smile.

“Okay, whatever, how about just saying ‘Hey, you know those Vampyre guys? Do you think they could be real vampires’?”

“But where would be the fun in that?” Even asked, tilting his head and trying to catch Isak’s eyes.

“Vampires aren’t supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to be annoyingly strong, and pale, and…” preferably dust, Isak almost said but decided that that might be seen as a bit insensitive in the present company.

“Not necessarily pale.”

“Hm?” Isak gave Even a confused look.

“Not necessarily pale,” Even repeated. “Medical science has evolved a lot the last couple of years, you know. There was this german scientist, Manfred Doss? He discovered that glucose can help people with acute porphyria.”

“Okay…?” Isak leaned up against the wall, mirroring Even.

“Yeah, so,” Even shot Isak a calculating look before looking away again, “instead of doing experiments on humans, he did them on vampires. Turned out that glucose actually helps vampires regenerate skin cells killed by UV light.”

“What?” Isak interrupted, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“You didn’t know?” Even asked, his eyes wide and sincere as they met Isak’s.

“Glucose?”

“Yeah, seriously. Vampires don’t produce new cells like humans do, so when the UV radiation in sunlight comes in contact with a vampire, their skin cells basically just implode.”

Isak looked away, trying to adapt this new information into his previous knowledge of biology. Something didn’t ring quite true, but he had to admit that he wasn’t exactly fluent in vampire anatomy, so...

“Shit. I didn’t know.”

“No, but… it was a huge breakthrough, really. All vampires are on insulin now so they can be out in direct sunlight. Brun og Blid is getting really big in the vampire community. Tan is the new black, you know.”

Even’s expression was still sincere as he watched Isak, but there was no way _that_ was true.

“You’re kidding?” Isak asked, a small smile breaking through. “You’re kidding, right?”

Even nodded, laughing at Isak’s expression of amused indignation.

“Of course I’m kidding, you really think the whole vampire population is hyped up on sugar?”

“I don’t fucking know, do I,” Isak defended himself. “The ones I meet are usually pretty hyperactive, so it wouldn’t come as that much of a surprise.”

That made Even throw his head back and laugh even louder and Isak’s eyes widened as he was exposed to a lengthy expansion of pale throat and a quick glimpse of collar bone. _We’ve been through this before. Vampire, remember?!_ Right. Yes. That. He coughed and looked down at his shoes.

“I don’t think Brun og Blid was so…” he mumbled, the sentence fizzling out at the end.

“Oh, so that was what gave it away?” Even asked.

He’d stopped laughing by now, instead looking very serious as his eyes flitted between Isak’s face and feet. Isak nodded, still stubbornly studying his trainers, contemplating whether the black spot on the toe was a small hole or just a stain. Even pushed himself off the wall and took a small step towards Isak, stooping down a little to try and catch Isak’s downcast eyes. Isak’s sense of self preservation tried to kick in again, _Are you listening to what I’m saying? He’s a fucking vampire, get out of here_ , only to throw its metaphoric hands up in defeat when Isak didn’t move. Even took another step, his bowed head just centimetres from Isak’s, and Isak raised his face a little, angling it to the left to give Even better access. Taking a long, shaky breath, Isak closed his eyes in anticipation and… the sudden sound of the school bell made the two of them jump apart and stare wide-eyed at each other, both a little breathless. Isak was the first to look away, focusing instead on scratching at a piece of sellotape sticking a small poster to the wall.

“Yeah, no, so… still no cure for the sunlight intolerance,” Even continued, his voice a little hoarse. “Which is one of the reasons so many vampires hang out in Oslo during winter. The crappy weather and the abundance of darkness. Also one of the reasons they go travelling during summer.”

“Are you suggesting vampires migrate?” Isak asked, looking up at Even with a small smirk. Even took a step back and raised his eyebrows in delighted approval.

“Monty Python, Isak? I’m impressed.”

Isak shrugged, the smirk slowly dying as he returned to scraping at the tape. Even’s eyes honed in on the movement.

“So are you going to that Halloween thing, or?”

Isak looked at the poster he was mindlessly messing with.

“No.” He hesitated. “Or… maybe? I don’t know, are you?”

“Join me?” Even suggested, a hopeful lilt to his voice.

“Okay,” Isak agreed without hesitation.

“Yeah? Then we’ll pre-party together?”

“Yeah.”

“Great.” Even looked up at the clock above the door. “Oh, sh… I have to go, I’m already five minutes late for class.”

Isak stared after him as Even hightailed it out the door. So. He had a date on friday. Him. The Slayer. On a date. With a vampire. Oh, he couldn’t wait to hear Eskild’s reaction to _that._

 

*****

 

_“And those barks are my cue to get out of here before Malcanisen catches up with me. If you’ve enjoyed this video, please like and subscribe, and I will see you all very soon. Byeee!”_

The video cut off and Isak was faced with a collage of recommendations for other videos he might find interesting. Mostly EBN videos. And mostly videos he’d already watched during the last couple of hours, because Even’s videos? They were good. Really funny. And… _fine_ , Isak might have a crush on a vampire, which… not ideal. So _very much_ not ideal. He thumped the back of his head against the pillow before digging out his mobile to check the time. Only a little after ten, Jonas should still be awake.

**Isak: So. Purely hypothetical of course, but what if I had a crush on a vampire?**

He stared impatiently at the screen and less than thirty seconds later, a typing bubble indicated that Jonas was, indeed, awake.

**Jonas: Exactly how purely hypothetical are we talking here, is it “remember Robert Pattinson, he was cool in Twilight” hypothetical or are we talking “I’m two seconds from boning a blood sucking demon” hypothetical?**

**Isak: More of the second, probably? I mean… Robert Pattinson? Really?**

**Jonas: Me not knowing your taste in fictional vampires is the thing you want to focus on right now? Really?**

Fine. Jonas had him there. Well, he _would_ prefer to focus on his taste in fictional vampires, thanks. It would be so much less humiliating.

**Isak: Anyway, so I might have a hypothetical date with this hypothetical vampire.**

This time, the typing bubble seemed to hesitate a bit before it disappeared and the first bars of _I Wanna Fuck You_ started playing. Isak rolled his eyes. That ring signal was what he got for letting Jonas borrow his phone during lunch? _Really?_

”I hate you,” he deadpanned into the phone.

“That’s… I mean... You sure the guy’s a vampire?” Jonas asked, ignoring the hostile greeting out of ingrained habit.

“Well, he’s tall. Pale.” Isak paused. “Freakishly good looking.”

“That doesn’t necessarily make him a vampire though,” Jonas pointed out.

“Hangs around cemeteries after midnight?” Isak offered, because as arguments go? That one was a pretty solid one.

“Ah. Right. Okay, so you have a hypothetical date with a probable vampire. You sure that’s a good idea?”   

Isak rolled his eyes. _Of course it wasn’t a good idea. It was one of the worst ideas in the history of bad ideas. It was so bad it made fucking Romeo and Juliet seem like a healthy relationship, okay?!_

“No. Which is why I was texting your unhelpful arse instead of doing my biology assignment.”

“Good luck explaining that one to Sana,” Jonas replied, a grin evident in his voice before he once again turned serious, “And you know I’m always here for you, but… a vampire? Not sure how to feel about that, really. You’re being careful, right? Not keen on having my best friend turning up dead. Or worse.”

“Carefully dating a vampire, isn’t that an oxymoron?”

“Don’t care what kind of moron you are as long as you stay safe,” Jonas said with a small snigger. There was a short silence on the other end of the line, then, “So, who is this fang boy, anyway, anyone I know?”

“Umm. Sort of, I guess?”

“I do?” Jonas’s curiosity was piqued. “Who?”

“Take a guess.”

“A guess?” Jonas gave a small grunt of displeasure, “I can’t just guess though.”

“Try,” Isak replied, voice an impressive mix of expressionless encouragement.

A longer silence this time.

“Is it William?” Jonas finally asked, only half joking.

“William?” Isak spluttered with outrage. “Who do you think I am? _William?!_ ”

“Well, I don’t fucking know, he’s the only one I can think of that practically screams vampire. Can’t you at least give me a hint?”

“A hint?” Isak thought for a bit. “He’s a third year.”

“Hm,” Jonas huffed, contemplating the clue. “Is it that guy Magnus was losing his shit over? That Even guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Really? He doesn’t seem like the vampiric type,” Jonas said, somewhat thrown by the information. He paused for a few seconds. “He _is_ freakishly good looking, though,” he admitted.

“I knooooow,” Isak whined. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Well, the obvious answer would be ‘stake him’, but I guess that option is off the table.” As this was only met with a distressed pterodactyl scream, Jonas calmly continued, “So I guess not getting drained of blood would be a good idea.”

“Thanks. Much advice, very insight,” Isak replied grumpily. “Glad we had this conversation, you’ve been absolutely useless.”

“So when’s the date anyway?” Jonas asked.

“Friday, the Halloween thing at school. And we’re going to pre-party together before that.”

“Okay.” Jonas was silent for a moment. “Are you pre-partying at Kollektivet?”

“I guess?” Isak hadn’t really given it much thought, but he guessed Kollektivet was as good a place as any.

“Cool. Me and the boys were looking for a good pre-party, we’re coming.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s… what?”

“We’re having a byohwab pre-party at yours on friday. No take backs.”

“Byohwab?” Isak repeated, not sure he wanted to know.

“Bring your own holy water and beer. You bring snacks and a vampire, we bring the rest. It’ll be fun. Well, it’ll be fun for _us_ … Anyway, mum wants me, gotta go. See you tomorrow.”

Isak was still protesting when Jonas hung up, leaving Isak to stare at his mobile in confusion, trying to figure out how his date with Even had suddenly turned into a full-blown boys night. And also how he was to explain his added entourage to Even.

Shrugging, he decided that that was a problem for future Isak - which meant that present Isak could reach for his laptop, wriggle into a more comfortable position, and click play on another EBN video. Because biology homework and Sana’s wrath? Also very much future Isak’s problem, poor guy.

 

*****

 

“When will Even be here?”

Magnus tried to play the question off as casual, but the way he missed his mouth and splashed beer all over the table when he tried to take a sip demonstrated it was anything but. Isak shot Jonas a petulant glare that said ‘just look what you’ll be subjecting Even to’ - and could easily interpret the small, amused twist of Jonas’s lips as an unapologetic ‘sorry, not sorry’. _Bastard!_

“Not sure, he said he had some stuff to film first but would probably be here around nine?”

Magnus’s muffled scream reminded Isak to avoid the F-word in the future - both for the sake of his eardrums and his sanity.

“Did he tell you what he was filming? Or where?” Magnus looked like he was seconds away from running off to wherever Even was, and to Isak’s surprise Mahdi seemed prepared to jog along with him. Isak grinned into his beer can. There was no denying it, Mahdi’s image as a cool, laid back guy was definitely taking some damage from this.

“Sorry, Mags, I have no insider information, you’ll just have to ask about it when he gets here.”

“So… what’s going on between you two, anyway?” Mahdi wanted to know.

“Nothing’s going on. Or. I don’t know, it’s just... it’s complicated.”

“Complicated? It’s _Even Bech Næsheim_ , I mean… just go for it, you little slut!’

_Okay, that was it, Magnus was getting a muzzle for Christmas. Anything to help with that non existent brain-to-mouth filter._

“First of all, we don’t know if Even’s even interested, which… consent, guys. It’s a thing,” Jonas interrupted. Isak gave him a grateful look. “And second of all, a bit less of the slut thing, Mags. It’s outdated and misogynistic.”

“Sorry if it’s rude, but… I mean, I consider myself slutty too,” Magnus protested.

“Duuuude...” Jonas’s groan was resigned and he covered his eyes with his right hand.

“Does it count as being slutty if no one ever takes you up on the offer, though?” Isak asked with feigned curiosity.

“But is it really that bad of a word,” Magnus pleaded, deliberately ignoring Isak. “I mean, it’s just an expression, it’s not like I…”

The sudden buzz of the doorbell stopped Magnus mid sentence, mouth still half open. Isak would have liked to enjoy Magnus’s deer-in-a-headlight expression a bit longer, but he was much too busy panicking himself, because… fuck, _Even_ was _just outside his door._  He looked over at Jonas, who gave him an encouraging nod. Right. He could do this. Probably. Possibly. Well, he couldn’t turn back now anyway.

Another impatient buzz made him stand and walk towards the hallway, and taking a deep breath to brace himself, he opened the door to… Spiderman? Isak swallowed hard, hoping that none of the sudden increase in saliva had managed to escape, because... fuck, that was a _lot_ of lycra.

“Trick or treat?”

Isak’s eyes travelled a bit further south, and… _oh, it’s definitely treat_ , Isak’s brain supplied unhelpfully. Turning bright red, Isak shifted his eyes back up and glued them firmly to the Spiderman mask, grateful that he couldn’t see Even’s expression behind it.

“Um, yeah… hello…?” he finally managed, voice cracking at the end.

“Hi,” Even drawled, voice deeper than usual. “Gone through a lot of trouble making that costume, have you?”

Isak looked down at his chest, where his only nod to Halloween was a small sticker proudly proclaiming, ‘Hello, my name is God’.

“Well, the costume took a lot of planning, but the performance? All me.”

“Mm, yes, I can see it now,” Even agreed. “Hubris. The weakness of gods.”

“Is that really a wise thing to say to someone with the power to smite you?”

Even leaned against the doorpost, his lanky body stretching the lycra to within an inch of its life.

“Good point. Would it help if I got down on my knees and prayed for forgiveness?”

Isak stared open mouthed at Even while his brain contemplated the image of Even on his knees.

“I.. no, that’s… well… I mean…” he stuttered before he decided that not talking was the better option right then and clamped his mouth shut.

“Because I’m a religious boy, Isak. I take my prayers _very_ seriously,” Even added, clearly amused at Isak’s flustered expression.

“Hey, Isak!” Jonas’s raised voice interrupted them, saving Isak from having to respond. “Eskild’s calling you. On the… you know, phone?”

_Of course on the phone, what else would he call him o… right. On the_ **_phone_** _._

“I’ve got to…” Isak said just as Jonas appeared around the corner.

“Here.” Jonas threw the phone to Isak. “Hi, Even. Nice costume.”

Isak turned his back on the other two, pressing the mobile to his ear.

“What??”

“And hello to you too, my precious little ray of sunshine. Sorry to bother you on your date, but… _no, don’t. That tickles_.”

“Eskild, I swear to God, if you’re using the emergency phone to make me listen to one of your hookups, just remember that I know where you sleep,” Isak threatened.

“Not a hookup,” Eskild protested. “Not that kind of boy. Linn is enjoying herself, though. Which is more than I ever wanted to witness, by the way, my gay sensibilities might never recover.”

Isak took a deep breath and counted to ten. Twice.

“Okay, what’s happening and where are you?” he asked with exaggerated patience.

“So, me and Linn were in line to Elsker, talking to the pretty bouncer. You know, the blond one with the neck tattoo? Anyway, that’s when these five nice ladies came along, asking us to join them, not taking no for an answer, and… pretty sure they are the infamous Brides of Dracula, which would be flattering if it wasn’t a bit deadly, you know?”

“Where. Are. You?” Isak repeated with an annoyed headshake. “And you better not be inside the club, because _someone_ went and told the bouncers that I am underage. So if you’re inside, you’ll have to wait three years to be rescued and you only have yourself to blame.”

“Not letting that go anytime soon, are you?” Eskild sighed. “ _Okay, no, that still tickles._ Anyway, we’re around the corner from the club, just by the fountain. Or, like, more in the corner over by the benches, really? Which is good because otherwise Linn would have been arrested for disorderly conduct by now. _Jeez, Linn, pull the blouse down, no one wants to see that!_ Please, for the love of God, hurry, I’m being exposed to female parts I have no interest in seeing.”

“Fine, I’ll be there in ten at the most. In the meantime, try not to get turned.” Isak hung up the phone and looked over at Jonas and Even, who were eyeing him with interest. “I… have to go help Eskild with something, but I’m sure Jonas and the guys will take good care of you. Right, Jonas?”

“Of course. Happy to,” Jonas agreed, absentmindedly playing with the crucifix around his neck. Isak narrowed his eyes at him.

“And I expect everyone to be in one piece when I return,” he added with a pointed look. Jonas shrugged, unconcerned.

”Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed,” he replied piously.

”I do _not_ have time for this,” Isak sighed, glaring at both Jonas and Even. ”Tonight’s house rules are: no biting, no bloodsucking, and no staking.” He focused on Jonas, ”And since this whole mess is your fault to begin with, you’re on Magnus duty.”

”But muuuuum…” Jonas complained.

”Magnus. Duty,” Isak repeated with emphasis on each word before running out of the door. Jeez, did he need new friends.

 

*****

 

Isak didn’t know what he’d expected to find when he turned the corner into Sehesteds gate, but it wasn’t... _that?_

_"_ Whoa, that’s… that’s…” Isak walked over and sat down on the windowsill next to Eskild - who for reasons unknown was handcuffed to the grille? Isak decided not to ask questions.

They sat in silent contemplation for a couple of moments.

”I think Jonas showed me something like that on pornhub last year,” Isak finally said, tilting his head a little to the right and scrunching up his nose in judgemental distaste. _Yeah, still very much gay, thanks_. “Anyway, you think I should maybe interrupt them? But... I mean, this _is_ the happiest I think I’ve ever seen Linn?”

“She is hooking up with five vampires, Isak. _Vampires_. _Five_ of them.”

“Jealous she’s getting all the attention?”

“Fun _ny._ ” Eskild’s tone suggested it was anything but. “Now, how about you stop being your usual annoying self and get staking?”

Their habitual bickering was cut short by an angry howl, and when they looked up, Linn was calmly walking towards them while doing up the top buttons of her blouse.

“What? Waiting for you two to finish arguing was taking too long.”

“Well, _you_ didn’t seem in much of a hurry to be rescued in the first place,” Eskild pointed out.

“These women have been around for ages, I just figured they would have picked up on some things here and there. I was curious.”

Eskild hesitated, but apparently couldn’t stop himself.

”And... had they?”

Isak shot him a horrified look. _He just had to ask, hadn’t he?_

“Oh yes,” Linn confirmed with a satisfied cat-that-got-the-cream smile. “Checked off two items on my bucket list tonight. Possibly three, but that last one is a bit of a grey area. Anyway, I just staked one of them and I don’t think the rest are too happy about it, so maybe we should…” She held up her stake and nodded at the four remaining vampires glaring at them from across the square.

“Right. Okay. So, you take the Bellatrix Lestrange wannabe to the left, I take the three annoyed ones to the right, and you...” Isak smirked down at Eskild, “You just sit there and chill, I guess.”

Linn spared Eskild a disapproving look.

“You didn’t bring _any_ protection? Really?”

Eskild blushed and mumbled something inaudible.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that?”

“I did bring protection, just not _that_ kind of protection, okay?” Eskild muttered. “I planned on getting laid tonight, not on being waylaid by a bunch of over amorous vampirettes with a restraining kink.”

Isak tutted at him.

“ _Always be prepared, Isak. You never know when a vampire will attack, so never leave the flat without a stake or a bottle of holy water, Isak,_ ” he mimicked in a rather bad impression of Eskild.

“Well, some of us dress in clothes that actually fit. Where do you expect me to hide a stake in these?” Eskild asked, gracefully sliding a hand along his - admittedly _very_ tight - tights.

“Oh, I’m sure I could think of somewhere. And I bet it would help you get laid, too.”

“I am in no need of help in that area, thank you. Which I’m sure I could prove, by the way, if I _wasn’t a bit tied up right now_ ,” Eskild sulked, yanking at the handcuffs.

“Okay, boys, maybe we could focus on the vampires for a bit,” Linn interrupted them with an impatient eye roll. “I’m sure we can find a measuring tape afterwards so you two can finish off this absolutely _riveting_ cock comparing competition.”

Isak grabbed a stake from his back pocket and crouched down into his well practised fighting stance.

“No need for measuring,” he said, his grin smug as he winked at her. “I already know Eskild is the biggest dick around.”

Eskild’s affronted, “Hey!”, went unacknowledged, as that was when the four remaining vampires decided to attack and organised chaos broke out.

 

*****

 

Dusting the three vampires assigned to him had been surprisingly easy, and Isak and Eskild were now sitting back and observing Linn battling her opponent.

“No. No, no, no, no, I kicked you in the chest, why are you still…”

“Need any help there, Linn?” Isak offered.

“ _No._  No, just...”

“I’ve trained you better than this. Use the stake, Linn. Let go,” Eskild advised.

“No. No, no, no. No! Come on, you damn vampire fuck, don’t...”

“Hey,” came a new voice and everyone looked over to where Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus and Even were watching them with interest. Well, everyone but Linn, who took advantage of the interruption and drove her stake into the distracted vampire’s chest.

“What the… Did she just… How did you _do_ that?” Magnus spluttered, eyes wide in awed fascination.

“Oh, fuck.” Isak looked over at Eskild, expression somewhere between apologetic and reluctantly amused. “You know how that thing about me being the Slayer was supposed to be a secret? Yeah, I think that thing just went poof.”

“What’s a Slayer?” Magnus wanted to know. “And how _did_ you do that?” he continued, turning back to Linn.

“Oh no, this one’s all on him.” Linn held her hands up in surrender and nodded towards Eskild.

“Right. Yes. So… anyone prepared to believe that it was just a trick of light?” Eskild asked with a resigned sigh. Jonas gave him a scathing look and took a step forward.

“Okay, so vampires and demons exist, Isak slays them, Eskild is his Watcher, and Linn is his…” he faltered, “umm… his… Linn?” Linn shrugged. “Anyway, the Slayer hunts vampires, Isak is the Slayer, don’t tell anyone. Did I forget anything?”

“No, that… pretty much sums it up, I think. Now if someone could…” Eskild said.

“Vampires and demons are real? Seriously?” Magnus interrupted him. “What else is real, like.. are mermaids real? Elves? Dragons? _Unicorns_?? Please tell me unicorns are real!”

Isak and Jonas exchanged a long look.

“Yes, Magnus, unicorns are real. As a matter of fact, me and Jonas have been talking about taking you out in the forest to try and catch one.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“Of course not, we wouldn’t be able to catch one without you.”

“What do you mean, why wouldn’t you be able to catch one witho… oh, fuck off,” Magnus pouted, finally catching on. “So, no unicorns then?”

“Sorry, Mags. No unicorns.”

“Fuck unicorns, can we perhaps focus on getting me out of these handcuffs now?” Eskild broke in, fed up with being ignored. “Some of us have places to be, people to charm, you know.”

Isak frowned at the window grille.

“I could maybe try and kick out the bar you’re cuffed to?” he offered hesitantly.

All eyes turned to the small area Isak would have to hit full force without hitting Eskild.

“Yeah, let’s call that Plan B,” Eskild decided with a wince. “Anyone else?”

“Do you have a hairpin or a paperclip? Otherwise no,” Linn replied.

A pink hairpin adorned with a bright rainbow was shoved at her, leaving the boy squad to stare at Even.

“My hair tends to get in the way, okay?” he explained with a nonchalant shrug.

“Tall, possibly blond and… mmhm, yeah, I guess you’re Even,” Eskild said, eyeing him with unabashed curiosity. “Interesting choice of costume, very… fetching. Hi. Eskild, Guru extraordinaire to Baby Jesus here, nice to meet you. Would shake hands, but as you can see…” He lifted his right hand as far as the handcuffs would let him. “And the juvenile delinquent over there is Linn. Say ‘hi’, Linn.” Linn made a distracted noise, not looking up from the handcuff she was trying to pick. “This is the guy who got us thrown out, you know.”

“You weren’t thrown out,” Isak denied. “They were coming here for a party,” he continued, looking at a somewhat confused but mostly amused Even.

“Hell no, we were definitely thrown out. It was all, like, _You guys have to be out of the flat on Friday night,_ ” Linn objected, still focused on the lock picking.

“You were coming here for a party!” Isak repeated indignantly, shooting Linn a betrayed look.

“Yes, but at a reasonable hour,” Eskild pouted. “ _This_ is not a reasonable hour.”

“Don’t you always brag that the party starts when you arrive?”

“I’m not a magician, Isak. Not even I can get a party started at nine o’clock on a friday night.”

“Whatever. I didn’t throw them out,” Isak muttered, glancing up at Even and determinedly ignoring the muffled sniggers from his friends. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“We were going for pizza, but this one wouldn’t join in unless we came to get you first,” Mahdi said, pointing at Even.

“And I’m really hungry now, so if we could just…” Jonas took a few steps backwards but stopped at Linn’s triumphant, “Hah!”.

“Yes! Freedom at last,” Eskild cheered. “Well, that was the least fun I’ve ever had in a pair of handcuffs. Anyway, Baby Jesus. Disciples. I appreciate your hunger for pizza, but I’m more interested in your thirst for knowledge. Therefore, we will now all relocate to Kollektivet for some educational Slayer lore.” At Jonas’s frustrated groan Eskild added, “Fine. Educational Slayer lore and pizza.”

“And beer,” Magnus added enthusiastically. Eskild glared at him, but didn’t argue.

Isak shook his head and looked over at Even, trying to think of something to say that could possibly salvage the evening.

“I’m really sorry about this wh…”

“What time is it?”

“Hm? Oh.” Isak checked his mobile. “21.21.”

“Really?” Even asked, head cocked. Isak checked his mobile again to make sure.

“Yeah, 21.21. Why?”

“Then it’s time for us to leave,” Even decided, grabbing Isak’s wrist and taking off towards Kristian Augusts gate.

Isak stumbled through the first few steps before getting his feet in order, studiously ignoring the indignant abuse Eskild yelled after them.

“Leave? Where to?”

“Anywhere,” Even replied with a delighted giggle. “Hurry up!”

Isak hurried up.

 

*****

 

’Anywhere’ turned out to be the gate to Møllergata skole where they finally stopped to catch their breaths.

“Oh God, I am so fucked now,” Isak groaned, ignoring another incoming phone call.

“Eskild again?”

“Mmhm.”

Even took a couple of steps closer and pulled his Spiderman mask back far enough for his face and a few tufts of hair to become visible.

“We’re just a couple of blocks from Kollektivet, do you want to…”

“No!” Isak refused. “No, let’s… I don’t know, let’s forget about Eskild and demons and slayers and fucking vampires and all that shit for tonight. Can’t we just, like… you know, stay here forever or something?”

Even gave their surroundings an unconvinced look.

“Here? Forever?” he repeated, eyebrows raised in feigned horror.

“Fine, so maybe not exactly _here_ , but you know what I mean.”

Even took another step forward, crowding Isak up against the gate.

“Excuse me, but you clearly said ‘here’.”

“And it was clearly not what I meant,” Isak argued, fighting - and losing to - a fond giggle.

“But it was _clearly_ what you said.”

“Still not what I meant, though.”

“ _But_ what you said...”

“Jeez, you’re so immature. How old _are_ you?”

“Nineteen?”

Even seemed pretty happy about that fact but Isak’s giggles died down a little.

“And how long have you been nineteen?” he asked.

“A while,” Even replied, sobering up as well.

Isak looked up at him.

“I know what you are.”

It came out almost as a challenge, and Even nodded, looking nervous.

“Say it. Out loud.”

Isak hesitated.

“Vampire,” he finally mouthed, not wanting to speak it into reality by actually voicing the word. Even looked taken aback.

“I’m a _what?_  No! What the _fuck_ , Isak? I’m bipolar. You thought I was a _vampire_?” he protested, shoving gently at Isak’s shoulder.

“Well, I… you… you’re kinda... cold?” Isak tried to defend himself.

“It’s November, it’s Norway - me being cold isn’t exactly a paranormal phenomena. Also, my meds fuck up my thyroid gland, so…” Even shrugged.

“But… your eyes? I mean, they’re very... you know, blue?”

“Yeah, you’ll have to take that one up with my parents, my eyes have always been this colour.”

Isak took a small step towards him, close enough for their bodies to touch, their faces just centimetres from each other.

“And you obviously have some kind of mind control going on because I can’t think of anything else but you. It’s annoying!” he complained with a small pout.

Even’s eyes disappeared into happy slits, his delighted laugh loud and unrestrained.

“Yeah. Me either,” he agreed, nudging Isak’s nose with his own.

“Hm.”

“It _is_ a hashtag though. ‘When you’ve found the man of your dreams and it turns out he thinks you’re a vampire’.”

“Am _I_ the man of your dreams?” Isak rested his back against the gate, his right hand touching his chest in an over exaggerated gesture of shock. “Are you talking about _me_?”

“Come on, that’s just how the hashtag goes.” There was a rather noticeable blush colouring Even’s cheeks.

“Excuse me, but you said I was the man of your dreams.” Isak was much too giddy to let that part go. “Say it again.”

Even leaned closer, his eyes gleaming with mischief.

“ _You_ are the man of my _nightmares_ ,” he whispered, placing a quick peck to the end of Isak’s nose before taking a step back.

“Hey! That’s mean! You’re so mean,” Isak pouted, reaching up to twine his left hand into Even’s hair, pulling lightly. “You _sure_ you’re not a vampire?”

“Very sure. I could never give up garlic bread for one.” Even sounded distracted, his eyes focused on Isak’s mouth.

“Garlic bread? That’s your best argument against becoming a vampire?”

“I just really like garlic bread, okay?” Even nosed at Isak’s temple before kissing it. “Anyway, that’s… Swings!”

“Huh?” There was a sudden emptiness where, until then, a very hot boy had been. Isak looked around in confusion.

“Swings!” Even repeated, grabbing the top of the gate, vaulting it and strolling off towards a swing set, apparently confident that Isak would follow. Staring after him, Isak mostly wondered what the fuck had just happened.

“Come on, Isak. Aren’t you going to push me on that swing?” Even called, looking over his shoulder.

_Fine. Fuck it._ Isak took a step back, grabbed the top of the gate and jumped - only to end up with his bum firmly on the ground. Swearing up a storm, he got back on his feet, jumped - this time clearing the fence with ease - and jogged over to where Even was sitting on a swing laughing at him.

“Wow, Isak. You never cease to impress.”

Isak glared at him.

“There was a spot of ice, okay?”

“Mmhm. Of course.”

“I _slipped_ on a _spot of ice!_ ” Isak whined, mock outraged.

“Oookay…”

“I’m the fucking master of jumping over gates, it’s just… there was this ice...”

“And it sneaked up on you from behind. _Bad_ ice.”

Even was clearly mocking him, so Isak sank down on the swing next to his and tried to scowl at him.

“Guess who won’t get pushed on that swing anytime soon,” he sniffed.

“Whaaat?”

“Words have consequences, Even. Terrible consequences. Like having to learn to swing by yourself.”

Even sighed.

“The world is a cruel place.”

“True. You should make a video about that.”

“I’m going to make a video about _you_. I even have the perfect title.”

“Do tell,” Isak said with a suspicious look.

“The boy who couldn’t jump over a gate.”

Isak rolled his eyes at Even’s smug expression.

“Sounds like a shit video that won’t get any likes. Besides, I _can_ jump over gates, it’s just… there was some ice…”

“Mmhm, likely story.”

“Anyway, you probably used your spider powers to trip me,” Isak accused him, taking the war into enemy territory.

“You think so?”

Isak raised one shoulder in a dismissive shrug.

“Nah, no idea. You’re the Marvel nerd here.”

“Marvel nerd? Me?” Even raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, you. I know about the Putin and Captain America video, so don’t even try to deny it.”

Even’s grin turned positively gleeful.

“Oh, I’m not denying it, but that means you’ve watched Mikael’s school project. Have you been _stalking_ me, Isak? Do you have a notebook on me? Flowcharts?” His mouth fell open and he leaned closer to Isak, continuing in a scandalised whisper, “Are you a _fanboy_?”

Isak glared at him, cheeks burning red.

“‘m not a fanboy,” he replied, crossing his arms defensively. “ _Magnus_ is a fanboy, I’m just... watching for the aesthetics.”

“ _Are_ you now,” Even drawled.

“Yes! Anyway, we weren’t talking about me, we were talking about you and your Marvel nerdiness.”

“Marvel movies are the best, though. They are epic love stories, man.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Epic love stories?”

Even grinned at Isak, pulled the Spiderman mask back into place and got up from the swing. Stretching his arms above his head, he jumped up and grabbed onto the swing set frame, dragging himself up and getting a leg over the top beam. With a bit of shuffling - and an impressive amount of grunting - he finally hung from his knees, facing Isak.

“Epic love stories,” he repeated, voice muffled by the mask.

Isak burst out laughing.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said admiringly, taking a couple of steps forward. The height wasn’t perfect, he had to bend his knees quite a bit, but he didn’t care. He carefully pulled the mask down just far enough for Even’s mouth to be exposed. “Or rather… You are _amazing_ ,” he breathed.

“Some people don’t think so,” Even replied.

“But you are,” Isak continued to quote, waving impatiently at the small tendril of mist that swirled its way between his face and Even’s.

“Nice to have a fa… the fuck?”

Even’s complaint was understandable as the mist suddenly decided to take shape right beside them.

“Okay, _now_ what?” Isak asked the universe at large. Some deity was clearly taking the piss and Isak was getting really fed up with it.

The mist-turned-man bowed courteously.

“I am Dracula,” he introduced himself.

Isak let his eyes sweep over the long hair, pale face, and old fashioned cloak. _Yeah, of course you are._

“Okay?”

The vampire seemed a bit bemused by the lack of reaction.

“I am _the_ Dracula.”

“Okay, cool, but we were actually in the middle of something here, so if you don’t mind,” Isak replied with a shooing motion.

Apparently this reaction wasn’t what the vampire was used to.

“I am here to drink your blood?” he tried, the sentence coming out more of a question than a threat.

“Well, I’m using it at the moment. Maybe we could have this discussion again in, oh, maybe seventy years?”

The vampire - deciding that he was fucking _Dracula_ and most definitely above this kind of treatment - changed into game face and Isak sighed, gave Even a quick peck on the lips, and grabbed a stake from his back pocket.

“I have killed three Slayers before and I can’t wait to see if your blood tastes as sweet as theirs.”

“Yeah, yeah. Can we get this over with, I’m on a date here.”

Isak might have sounded careless, but his eyes were watchful and he easily avoided the vampire’s first attack, getting a swift kick in as he twirled out of the way.

“So… about that notebook…” Even had returned to the ground by now and was rocking gently on a swing as he watched the fight.

“Jeez, Even.” Isak rolled his eyes, avoiding another attack. “There. Is. No. Notebook.”

“So in this ‘nonexistent’ notebook of yours,” Even continued, completely unruffled, “have you dotted the i’s with little hearts?”

Isak dodged a punch and looked over towards the swing set.

“Fuck off, Even,” he grumbled, his indulgent smile belying the grumpy tone.

“Have you been writing Isak Bech Næsheim over and over?”

“God, you’re annoying.”

“With glitter pens?”

Even was laughing by now, head thrown back, eyes closed, and it took Isak a moment to remember that he was in the middle of something.

“Excuse me? I am standing right here?” Dracula pointed out.

“Yeah, so?”

“But… I am _Dracula!_ ”

Isak continued to look unimpressed.

“ _So?_ ”

The frustrated vampire seemed on the verge of tears, and with a throaty growl he rushed at Isak - who simply sidestepped, tripped the vampire and plunged the stake into his chest.

“Do you have a bag or something?” he asked Even without looking up from the small pile of vampire remains.

“No. Why?”

Isak started gathering up the dust, shoving it into his jacket pocket with a disgusted expression.

“Well, you’ve seen the movies, haven’t you? Count Dust Bunny here always come back, so I thought I’d gift him to Eskild as a peace offering, he could use a pet.” Satisfied with his sloppy vampire cleanup he reached out a hand towards Even. “Ah, yes. Alone at last,” he added in his best suave moviestar voice. Even smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss, but…

“What the _fuck_ , Isak?”

Right _._ Of course _._ He’d temporarily forgotten that the universe hated him. He turned around with a sigh.

“Hello, Eva.”

 

*****

 

“Got some more people for you to lecture, Eskild,” Isak yelled, leading the girl squad through the door to Kollektivet.

“Ah, the prodigal son returns,” Eskild yelled back. “And Jesus Christ, Isak, what did you do, take out an add in the paper?”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Just go through and talk to Eskild.” He raised his voice, “Or have Eskild talk _at_ you _,_ more like.”

“I heard that,” came Eskild’s voice from the living room.

“You were supposed to,” Isak singsonged.

The girl squad dropped their shoes and jackets where they could find space and proceeded into the flat, Eva with an excited grin, Chris high fiving Isak when she passed him. Isak closed the door and let his head fall back against it.

“So… is this the worst date you’ve ever been on yet or do I have to try harder?” he asked, rolling his head to the left to look up at Even.

Even pulled the Spiderman mask off and shoved it onto the hatrack before stepping closer, putting his hands on each side of Isak’s head, boxing him in against the door.

“Well, it’s definitely been eventful,” he agreed. “What else can I expect from this evening, then? Frankenstein? Werewolves? A unicorn stopping by asking for Magnus?

“Don’t give the universe ideas, it seems to have enough of them as it is. Also, Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster.”

“Aww, I love it when you talk nerdy to me.” Even gave Isak’s nose a quick peck.

“Jeez, what is it with your obsession with my nose? I do have lips, you know,” Isak grumbled, hooking his fingers into Even’s belt loops and dragging him close enough to snuggle into. Even smiled into Isak’s hair and nosed down his jawline before burying his face in Isak’s neck with a satisfied hum.

There was a short period of silent contentment - but since it really wasn’t Isak’s night...

“What the _fuck_?!”

It took Isak a second to react to the exclamation and when he finally emerged from the cuddle it was to Even looking like a drenched - and very disgruntled - cat while Eskild was holding an empty hip flask and watching him carefully. _Oh. Right. About that..._

“Yeah, so, fun fact, turns out Even isn’t a vampire after all,” Isak mumbled, sending Even an apologetic look.

“What is it with everyone thinking I’m a vampire?” Even complained, dragging a hand through his wet hair.

“I’d blame Baby Jesus here, he’s the one who started that rumour. Also, don’t go for the neck on the first date, it gives some of us the wrong idea,” Eskild recommended.

“Whatever. I’m taking Even to my room to find something dry for him to change into. _You_ can return to… whatever you were doing in there.” Isak waved towards the living room.

“Yeah, _that_ is not going to happen because if I let you out of my eyesight now, my little Houdini, I will probably not see you again for the next two…” Eskild looked Even up and down, “okay, make that four, days. So what _will_ happen is, _I’ll_ take this dreamboat to your room and try to find him something clean - or, considering whose room it is, clean _ish_ \- and dry, and _you_ will go into the living room and sit down like the good little Slayer you aren’t.”

“But…”

Eskild shot him a menacing glare. Isak went into the living room.

 

*****

 

When he returned with a somewhat dryer version of Even dressed in one of Isak’s grey hoodies, Eskild clapped his hands to get everybody's attention.

“Has everyone found a seat?” Ignoring the protests from the various people who hadn’t, he continued, “Good. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because Isak Valtersen, my grumpy little Baby Jesus over there, doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘secret’. And so it falls upon my overworked self to inform you of things you really shouldn’t know anything about.”

“Overworked, my arse,” Isak muttered with an exaggerated eye roll, bringing in a couple of extra chairs from the kitchen.

”And a very lovely arse it is, but not the subject right now,” Eskild sniffed at him. “Anyway, for as long as there have been vampires, there has been a Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen one…”

“He loves doing this part,” Jonas stage whispered.

“Fine.” Eskild glared at Jonas. “Short version: Yes, vampires are real. Yes, Isak is the Slayer. No, you can’t tell anyone. I think that is all the information you need.”

“Good, can we order pizza now?” Jonas asked, pulling out his mobile.

“So that was _really_ Dracula?” Eva leaned forward, looking at Eskild with wide-eyed fascination.

“Why haven’t you told me about this before? I live here too, you know.” Noora looked hurt at having been excluded from the inner circle.

“Fine, you go on and order pizza. And yes, I’ll pay,” Eskild added before Jonas could ask. “And Noora, we love you, but we _really_ weren’t supposed to inform anyone of our extracurricular activities. Not that that stopped young Blabbermouth over there, of course.” He glared at Isak before turning to Eva. “Now, Eva. Sweetie. Tell Eskild more about this Dracula thing.”

Eva looked over at Isak, who shrugged helplessly. He’d hoped to tell Eskild about the encounter in a somewhat less public setting, but better to get it over with, he guessed.

“So, we were on our way here to pick up Noora’s… umm… yeah, nevermind. Anyway, we were passing Møllergata skole and then we heard someone talking about drinking blood, so Sana said we should go check if someone was in trouble, and then we saw Isak fighting this _really_ hot guy, and then the guy said he was Dracula, and then… he just went poof?” she summarised, all without taking a single breath.

Eskild turned his head.

“Isak,” he shouted.

Isak sighed.

“Yes, Eskild?”

“Did you dust Dracula without telling your Watcher?”

“I might have...?”

“Okay.”

Well, that went better than expected, Isak decided - until he felt a hard slap to the top of his head.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For not telling your Guru about slaying the world’s most famous vampire.”

“It’s not like there has been much of an opportunity to tell you,” Isak muttered before brightening up. “I brought you a souvenir, though.”

“A souvenir? Gimme!” Eskild made grabby hands at him.

“I just have to…” Isak hurried out into the hallway, enjoying Eskild’s confused expression when he returned with his jacket.

“Not to be ungrateful, Isak, but I don’t think your idea of souvenirs align with mine.”

Isak ignored him, instead emptying out Dracula into a small pile on the coffee table.

“Was that necessary, I just vacuumed yesterday!”

No one paid much attention to Noora’s protest - Vilde and Magnus because they were trying to find a comfortable way of sharing the sofa, for some reason negotiating their terms through... meowing? (Isak didn’t want to know), Linn and Mahdi because… well, they seemed to be having an intimate conversation, pretty much ignoring everything and everyone else (Isak definitely didn’t want to know), and the rest were too interested in the small wisp of mist rising from the dust on the table.

“Really? I _am_ standing right here, you know,” Isak pointed out. The mist quickly retreated.

“Is that…” Eskild asked reverently.

“Yep. And he’s all yours.”

“Oh, Isak, you know just what to get the Watcher who has everything,” Eskild said, pretending to wipe a tear from his right eye.

“The pizza will be here in thirty minutes,” Jonas cut in, more invested in food than vampires, no matter how famous.

There was a small cheer at that - even Linn and Mahdi emerged from their bubble to join in - and Magnus reminded Eskild about the promised beer.

Isak looked around the living room in search of Even - who was sitting on a chair next to Jonas, looking amused. Catching Isak’s eyes, Even held out his hand and Isak walked over and took it. Pulling him down on his lap Even put his arms around Isak and planted a wet smooch on his cheek.

“Heeey!” Isak objected to the treatment. “I’ve had dogs giving me drier kisses, thanks.

“Yeah, but were they as cute as me?”

Isak wrinkled his nose in thought.

“Well, there is this very adorable dachshund puppy I’d be happy to trade you in for.”

“Understandable,” Even agreed. “But apart from that one?”

“Yeah, apart from that one, I’ll probably keep you,” Isak agreed, smiling softly down at him.

“That’s nice. You’re so nice,” Even murmured, managing a peck to the corner of Isak’s mouth.

“Jeez, you two are giving me cavities,” Jonas complained, unable to hide a fond smile.

“Shut it. We’re the cutest, you’re just jealous,” Isak replied, sticking his tongue out at him.

They were interrupted by Eskild dumping two six-packs of beer on the table, dragging the flat’s vacuum cleaner behind him.

“What? I’ve changed the dust bag,” he shrugged, aiming the head at the vampire remains. Dracula - who hadn’t had too good an evening to begin with - was without further ado sucked into the vacuum cleaner and carried off by a very elated Watcher to do with as he pleased. (Isak _really_ didn’t want to know.)

 

*****

 

“The Slayer, huh?” Sana gave Isak an impressed nod. “Didn’t see that one coming.”

Isak shook his head.

“Me neither,” he agreed after swallowing a mouthful of pizza. “Eskild was a bit of a shock, too, actually.”

“Ah, yes. Eskild. My oldest brother was in the year above him at the Watcher’s Council. I’ve heard stories…” Sana mused.

“Your brother is a Watcher?” Well, that explained why she was taking the whole vampire thing so calmly, he guessed. He’d put it down to her being Sana, but having previous knowledge would of course help, too.

“Yes. Can’t wait to tell him my biology partner is the Slayer,” she replied, her dimples on full display.

“You could tell him we’re best buds, too, you know.”

Sana gave him a withering glare.

“We are _not_ best buds.”

“Seriously? We’re buds,” Isak protested, pouting like someone had stolen his favourite stake.

“Okay, fine, we’re buds,” Sana gave in with an indulgent smile.

“We’re buds,” Isak repeated happily.

They beamed at each other and Sana dug out her mobile.

“Come on, best bud, selfie time. Let’s make my brother cry with envy,” she decided. Isak threw his arm around her shoulders and aimed a wide smile at the camera.

“I was only gone five minutes and have already been replaced?” came Even’s sad voice from behind them.

Isak tilted his head backwards and smiled up at him.

“I really didn’t mean for you to find out like this, but Sana was always my first choice. Sorry.”

“Okay. Thanks for everything, I guess. It was fun while it lasted.”

Sana rolled her eyes at them.

“Well, I for one would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. Talk to you later.” She got up from the chair and headed off towards where Chris was talking animatedly with Eskild - who for once was the one who didn’t seem to get a word in edgewise. Isak looked after her with a small smirk before looking back up at Even.

“Hey.” Even said, bending down to give Isak a quick kiss.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah, well… I‘ve had my life threatened by four different people, so…” he shrugged, “just an average friday night, you know.”

“Four?” Isak knew that Jonas could be a bit overprotective and he was pretty sure Eskild would have made a point of talking about all the weapons he could get his hands on, but… “Who more than Jonas and Eskild?”

“Your friend Eva can be pretty intimidating when she wants,” Even said with a small shudder. “But I think Linn is the one who scares me the most, really. She’s got quite a way with words. And stakes.”

Isak looked over at where Linn was peacefully sharing a pizza slice with Mahdi.

“Linn? _My_ Linn? You sure it was _this_ Linn?”

“Very. I can show you the mark from where she pushed a stake against my chest? Small but terrifying, I tell you.”

Isak pulled an apologetic face.

“Sorry about that. About all of them, really. They… mean well?” he tried.

“Mmhm. Well, dating you will definitely be the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done,” Even decided with an amused snort.

“So. We’re going to be dating, then?”

“Yes.” Even replied confidently. “And I’m going to date you so good you’ll never want to get rid of me.”

Isak nodded. Sounded like a well thought out plan to him.

“Come here,” he ordered, pulling on Even’s wrist until he sat down on Isak’s lap facing him. Even smiled, bumping his nose to Isak’s.

“Hey there,” he said softly. Lifting his left hand to Isak’s jaw, he caressed Isak’s cheek with his thumb before leaning in, licking his lips and closing his eyes.

The kiss was soft, just on the good side of wet - and over much too fast. Isak blinked up at Even, who was tilting his head to the left as if waiting for something.

“What?” he demanded.

“I… was kinda expecting another interruption.” Even replied, sounding surprised.

They both looked around, but were only met with smirks and - from Eva and Vilde - outright cooing. Isak shrugged.

“Guess not,” he commented, diving back in for another kiss.

Even didn’t seem to mind.


End file.
